My sheets look like a crime scene.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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