What did we do last night that was yellow?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
