my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
