mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
