He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
