dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
