i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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