so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
