Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
