My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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