Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You made out with two different species that night
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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