I got chris browned last night
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just cut my nipple shaving
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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