I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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