i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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