I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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