Moan for me like Helen Keller
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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