Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
if only i could text you this smell
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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