Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
