is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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