my phone needs a breathalizer
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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