I wish I could punch you in the face.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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