I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
