Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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