Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
