if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
