I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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