So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
