his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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