His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
