I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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