i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
