I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We have so much sex to catch up on
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
