They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
