I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
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Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
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Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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