he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
This is my life. Enjoy the view
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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