who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
