1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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