mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
