I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
