Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
