i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
