I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
