Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
