Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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