Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
