i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
