She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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