First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
