shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
