Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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