my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
