I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
jump out the window naked night went bad
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
