checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm at about main and main street
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
