I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
