She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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