So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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