You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
nutella sex= disaster
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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