dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
