I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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