my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
